When I try and explain what I do people often assume that what I am advocating is what has been coined as “gentle parenting” by many. I find the word gentle to be triggering. That is why I don’t like to use it. People think it means never saying no to your child but this isn’t the case. I prefer the term responsive parenting.
When we are responsive to our children, we are building resilience within them. Relational neuroscience is clear that what nurtures resilience is responsive parenting. Gentle parenting is not well defined it is a very broad term and generally makes people think of permissive parenting where we allow our children to be in charge. All gentle parenting generally means is less authoritative than say traditional methods of parenting. What it really stands for is a method of parenting that is different from that of a generation ago.
How does responsive parenting work?
Responsive parenting is different from our perceived ideas of gentle parenting, it challenges the notion that children act up for negative attention, to get something they want, or for no reason at all. These assumptions lead to consequences when you are practising traditional parenting methods. The responsive parenting approach questions that and assumes that children behave well when they can, and when they can’t there is a reason. It assumes that children want to please their parents.
A child having a meltdown in a shop because they aren’t getting the snack, they want is not intending to be ungrateful or difficult. They just haven’t developed the emotional tools to deal with being disappointed. They don’t have the circuitry of self-regulation built yet. They don’t have the ability to accept disappointment and unpredictability, they can’t yet talk themselves down. The developmental process they need for this has not yet been built and isn’t available to them until they are much older. Unfortunately, traditional parenting doesn’t take this into consideration. Traditional parenting doesn’t take brain development into consideration.
A young child or toddler having a meltdown is what Mona Delahooke (In her book brain body parenting) is having what she would call a “body up reaction” which is actually quite normal. In this example, the child will not be getting the snack that they desire. In traditional parenting, they will be shouted at or given a punishment with little acknowledgement of their feelings. Not only do they get yelled at but also blamed for being rude or a motive is assigned that they are behaving this way just to get their own way.
When using responsive parenting methods, the parent acknowledges how the child is feeling and validates their disappointment. You teach them how to regulate. A child learns self-regulation through relationships of safety and trust.
How does science support this method?
Approaching a child’s tantrum with empathy instead of judgement can affect their brain chemistry in a positive way. When the disappointment is compassionately witnessed and emotionally soothed the child’s stress response is reduced. An adult’s caring presence changes how a child’s body and brain respond to stress. It reduces stress hormones.
How does this help develop a child’s resilience?
When you allow a child to figure out how to handle unpleasant emotions by themselves, you’re increasing their ability to be flexible. If you don’t let them struggle when they are having a tough time, they won’t develop resilience. If you are never allowed to be disappointed you will never learn how to cope with disappointment. A child needs to learn how to be flexible through change and the unexpected, which could be anything from finding out they have to leave the park to discovering they aren’t going to get their favoured teacher the following school year, to receiving the wrong coloured cup at the dinner table. Every moment of the day is an opportunity to flex their resilience muscles.
When these muscles are developed it increases the well-being of the young adults they will become. There is an aspect of preventing future mental health challenges through this kind of responsive parenting.
How can I help with this?
If you are interested in becoming a more responsive parent, I run a twelve-week course that develops knowledge of brain science, developmental stages, nervous system responses and much more. Have a look at our course section – The ultimate parenting success course for more details.
Love
Tracy
