Everyone who has ever looked after children knows that state when they get cranky because they need to sleep. We recognise the signs. Perhaps they have missed a nap or are late to bed or they just didn’t sleep well the night before. We then label them as “overtired” but is it really possible to be so tired you can’t sleep?
When we call a child “overtired” we are usually referring to them as having an emotional state such as anxiety, distress, or fear that causes them to stay awake. These feelings override the need for sleep as they don’t feel safe enough to sleep.
If you think about sleep in animal terms (we are animals after all) it is one of the most venerable states we can be in. This means that to let our body do one of its most natural things we have to feel safe. If we think about it in this way and reframe “over tired” as a need to feel safe it helps us to support our children in these moments.
The feeling we have of needing to sleep is called sleep pressure. The longer we stay awake the greater the sleep pressure becomes. Normally the higher the sleep pressure gets the easier it is to fall asleep. I’m sure you have all got to the stage at some point in your lives when the sleep pressure has got so high that you can’t help but fall asleep no matter where you are. The sensation of sleep pressure is caused by the build-up of chemicals called adenosines in the brain. These proteins are removed from our brains while we sleep and build up while we are awake. In adults it normally takes between fourteen and sixteen hours for the adenosines to build up to a stage where we need to sleep however, this pressure takes a much shorter period in babies and children.
So, what is stopping these proteins from doing their job?
To fall asleep, we need to be calm and relaxed and be able to switch off our brains. When something blocks that feeling like anxiety, fear, pain, or racing thoughts we may struggle to fall asleep.
In the same way, sleep happens more easily for a baby or child when sleep pressure is high, and they are in a calm and relaxed state. This is where we come in. Babies and children often need our support in feeling calm inside their bodies.
Babies and children cannot regulate their own bodies in the way we can. When we are feeling anxious or stressed, we can dip into our toolbox and find ways to calm ourselves; soft music, a warm bath, journaling, breathing techniques, or talking to someone about our worries.
When a baby’s or child’s sleep pressure is high and they need to calm themselves, they lean on us to help them regulate their bodies. They do what I call “borrow our nervous system” this means they bring their nervous system into regulation with ours. If we are shouting “go to bed” or “just go to f***ing” sleep while feeling all the stress and anxiety in our bodies that is what they regulate too and they cannot sleep.
We also forget that the media that we are feeding ourselves – i.e., TV or the internet with stories of murder and violence feeds into our nervous system. If we are trying to rock a baby to sleep while watching a crime thriller our baby will be sensing our feelings of fear and will not be able to settle.
If you want to help them to sleep, we need to remember they need our help to manage their emotions. It’s our job as parents to help them dial down and relax in preparation for sleep. We can do this in many different ways. Physical contact such as cuddling and rocking or stroking works for most children although some who are neurodivergent may find this irritating rather than calming. In this case, non-contact methods also work. The presence of a relaxed adult can calm a child, as can listening to music, gentle talking, singing, or humming.
I was chatting to some parents a couple of weeks ago and they were describing how one partner would try for hours to get their child to go to sleep and then they’d give up and the other would go up and the child would fall asleep in minutes. This is an example of the parent who was frustrated not being able to share their calm with their child but the one who had been downstairs having the calm the child needed so being able to bring that to the child and them immediately feeling safe and falling asleep.
In Czech, there is a specific word for lying with and helping a child to relax so they can sleep it is uspavani. We don’t have a word for this in English which is interesting in itself.
We can use this idea to help us to settle our children when they are “overtired” by removing those feelings of worry and vulnerability by creating safety through cuddling, talking to, singing with or just lying next to them.
So next time you get to the point where you are struggling with an “overtired” small person try to calm yourself first get into a good space and then lend them your calm and they’ll nod off in no time.
Love
Tracy💕
PS If you’d like a 1-2-1 session to discuss your child’s sleep drop me a message.
