“Fear says: fix it. Love says: create the environment and maintain the relationship so it can fix itself.”
— Bryan Post

Empathy is the ability to tune in to your inner world and put words to your feelings and needs. Naming your feelings and needs actually strengthens the emotional processing centres of your brain.

Practising emotional intelligence builds neural connections between the middle and front regions of the brain. With consistent practice, you’ll become able to accurately identify your emotional state and more complex feelings. Each time you do this, you strengthen your prefrontal cortex, laying the groundwork for emotionally mature behaviour from the inside out. Emotional maturity cannot simply be willed; it must be felt and embodied over time.

When we respond to our children with empathy, we are supporting the development of their own emotional regulators. If we wish for our children to become emotionally mature, we must meet them with affirmation, validation, and an understanding of their inner world.

Learning to validate the feelings, needs, thoughts, and beliefs that lie beneath behaviour is key you can learn more about the Root to Bloom Process in our Brain development course.

Example: A child hits their sister while playing in the sandpit. Rather than punishment, an empathetic approach would explore the feelings and needs behind the behaviour, helping the child understand and regulate their emotions.

Instead of reacting with:

“Hey! Stop hitting, we don’t hit.”
or
“I’m allowed to be angry, but you’re not allowed to hit!”

Try this:

“Oh love, I can see you’re feeling angry. I’m here to support you.”
or
“Come here, I’ve got you. I’m right here with you.”

Then, after the child has calmed down, ask questions rather than lecture:

“I noticed what happened earlier and how your body reacted. Can you tell me your story? I’m here to help you feel angry safely and keep yourself and others safe. I love you.”

Affirm the feelings beneath the behaviour.

Example: “I heard that you were talking back to your teacher today.”

Instead of reacting with:

“How many times do I need to tell you that you can’t talk like that!”
or
“You can feel frustrated, love, but you cannot speak to your teacher that way.”

Try this:

“I’m feeling concerned about how things went at school. I wonder if you were feeling lonely or wanting respect and understanding from your teacher? I’d really like to hear what happened. I know you’re capable of communicating it.”
or
“Help me understand what happened at school, can you tell me your story? Oh, I see… it sounds like you were longing to be heard. That makes sense. I wonder, how could we handle this next time without harsh words?”