Secure attachment

Secure Attachment

Signs You Received Secure Attachment

Your primary caregiver:

Was self-connected and felt trusted to be your caretaker.
Felt connected to their intuition to respond to you; released any outside advice that did not align with what felt right for them and their baby/child.
Mirrored your facial expressions.
Gave you verbal empathy like: “You feel a bit down today?” or “Do you need a hand?” “I am wondering if you’re needing support with that?”
Oﬀered you grounded care: “Come here, hon, I’ve got a hug for you.”
Understood your behaviours while trying to meet your needs and was not threatened or afraid of the behaviours; could accurately interpret what you were trying to communicate beneath your behaviours.
Encouraged you to discuss your feelings, hopes, dreams, wishes, and was able to “hold space” for you and actively listen, versus fix, problem solve, or shut down.
Apologised to you when a mistake was made, without being self-deprecating.
Soothed you in the way your unique system needed, whenever you needed it, day or night.
Met their own needs and was proactive in requesting support.
Guessed what you were thinking to better understand your actions.
Communicated with you to understand and connect, instead of needing to be right or make a point; was willing to receive feedback and even be “wrong.”
Was not perfect! They modelled self-compassion and an understanding that striving for perfection was impossible.

You pay attention to your body and what it is communicating to you.
You pay attention to your feelings and embrace them as “communicators with messages.”
You remember your childhood with compassion and understanding. You have made a coherent narrative.
When you make a mistake, you can forgive yourself easily and take accountability to make sure it does not happen again.
You are actively engaged in friendships and community and understand this as a CORE component of health and well being; you have the ability to emotionally regulate.
You know what you need and believe you’re inherently worthy of getting those needs met.
You are connected to your intuition and double check any advice you receive, from experts or otherwise, with what you feel to be right and true for you and your child.
You feel confident in your communication and have a strong “window of tolerance” when negotiating contrasting needs/wants/desires.
You are willing to get curious about your instinctual responses during stress, and continue to cultivate healthy and connection coping skills in your relationships.
You believe that both you and your child are special and valuable, worthy of prioritising. It’s either/or, it’s both/and.

You feel confident providing a haven and a secure base for your child.
You can see beneath the child’s behaviour into their feelings and needs.
You turn toward your child with grounded awareness when they seek closeness and connection.
You can recognise and diﬀerentiate between the experiences, thoughts, and feelings of yourself and your child.
If your child is upset or grumpy, you can remain grounded and connected to joy anyway.
You can model regulation and soothe your child (no matter their age!) when needed.
You can communicate feelings and needs directly without passive-aggressiveness, making your child guess what is going on, or giving the child the silent treatment.
You can prioritise emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual bonds with children despite criticism from others.
You can actively decondition your parenting from punishments or any power over or under parenting tactic.

Believes they are worthy of love.
Accepts your bid for connection.
Can verbalise boundaries in a clear way (7 and older): “Mum, please shut my door, I want space. *Note: when the child is stressed (at any age) clear communication may significantly decrease!”
Is more willing to work as a team and has empathy for actions (7 and older).
Can regulate their own emotions and self-soothe some of the time, knowing that even adults need co-regulation, rather than self-regulation, some of the time (7 and older).
Welcomes your longing to support the child to be soothed (especially infant-7).
Is drawn to friendship circles that enhance their self-esteem and mirror a healthy lifestyle (7-teens).
Can focus on academics and maintain concentration (7 and older). *Even children with a secure attachment may struggle with diagnoses such as ADD and ADHD. Being securely attached can help reduce the symptoms of both of these neurological experiences.”
Is independent, with a healthy relationship, self-agency, and self-awareness (12 and older).
Believes that life is good, that they are worthy, and that no matter the diﬃculties, they will find a way to work through them.
If living with neurodiversity or a mental and or physical illness, they can be more capable of accessing self-acceptance and trust within their life experience.
Is not perfect, and is at peace with this.