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Insecure attachment – Disorganised

Insecure Disorganised Attachment

Childhood Experiences

Your Primary caregiver may have:

  • Acted in ways that scared you, with no repair process in place after scary events.
  • Feared your feelings, especially your cries. Your emotions were “too much.”
  • Been emotionally distraught much of the time (whether outward presenting, or something that you sensed).
  • Practiced authoritarian parenting; was not able to create a safe environment or protect you from harm.
  • Swung between despondent and depressed, and angry and erratic.
  • Screamed chronically, used name calling, threats, shame and fear tactics to control your behaviour.
  • Used corporal punishment: the intentional use of physical force to cause bodily pain or discomfort as a penalty for unacceptable behaviour. Includes any action that produces discomfort, such as: spanking (even when done calmly), hitting, slapping, pinching, ear pulling, jabbing, shoving, or choking.

Adult Patterns

You may:

  • Have difficulty staying focused and on task, feeling confused and “swirly” on the inside much of the time.
  • Be unable to cope with stress and feel very disoriented about your thoughts or feelings.
  • Experience a sense of not really existing, like you’re here, but you’re not here.
  • Have moments of physical aggression and violence.
  • Go through extreme highs and lows.
  • Have exceptionally low tolerance for loud noise, or conflict between siblings.
  • Feel very lost and alone deep down.

Parenting Patterns

You may:

  • Become enraged very easily, snapping nearly every day, experiencing feelings of total hate and rage for your child(ren) that seemingly come from nowhere.
  • Scream, hit, threaten with violence, or use derogatory language to get your children to obey.
  • Feel “out of control” much of the time.
  • Struggle with chronic reactivity and be unable to tolerate your child’s big feelings.
  • Take your child’s behaviours and words very personally.
  • Feel that any kind of feedback from your child is harsh criticism of you.
  • Become angry easily and direct your anger onto your child, making your child fear you.
  • Struggle to have any kind of connection with your child other than “command and obey.

Child Tendencies

(Caveat: these manifestations could be from an insecure disorganised attachment, or other mental or physical health diagnoses.)

Your child:

  • May be consistently eruptive, becoming angry and “snapping” over little things.
  • May not trust authority figures and not like to listen to anyone in a “power over” position.
  • May use violence and aggression in order to meet their needs for connection or being seen and heard.
  • Does not compromise and talks back; their brain has already wired itself to defend against anything a parent or other authority says to them.
  • Uses hate speech to parents or siblings and seems defiant or out of control.
  • May want you suddenly, then reject you right away.
  • Seems very fearful and suspicious.
  • Struggles with huge outbursts of rage, and will not receive any support from any caregiver.
  • Holds a belief that adults are dangerous and not to be trusted.
  • Oscillates between being “unreachable” and shut down and being “out of control” and aggressive

Superpowers

Yes, a disorganised attachment is considered insecure. And, that does not mean that you are “less than” than a person with a secure attachment. We will not have more moments of inner security if we are demonising the disorganised attachment style. To support you to find grace and unconditional acceptance for your experience, let’s explore the strengths of a disorganised attachment.

As a parent living with moments of disorganisation and disequilibrium, your strengths may be:

  • When able, you do seek connection with your child.
  • You care a lot about your relationship with your child, and can access moments of genuine desire to improve and be a safe harbour for your child.
  • You can experience both independence as a parent and immersion in parenting.
  • You love deeply.
  • When you can access a positive state of mind, gratitude and appreciation can overwhelm you in a pleasant way.
  • You are creative, able to see all sides of a situation when in a calm state.
  • Usually very compassionate for animals or other people who experience suffering.

Reflection

  • What resonates with me?
  • Where do I see disorganised tendencies in myself?
  • What strengths from this style do I hold?