Insecure attachment – Ambivalent
Insecure Ambivalent Attachment
Childhood Experiences
Your parent or primary caregiver:
- May have given help when you did not need it, and withheld help when you did.
- May have believed they needed to save you from your feelings, with constant reassurance or distraction from upsets.
- Was not emotionally reliable; sometimes very present & warm, sometimes distant & cold.
- Felt very insecure and afraid of their job as a parent.
- Constantly doubted themselves.
- Experienced a lot of anxiety while tending to you, which as a child you inevitably absorbed into your developing brain and nervous system.
- May have expressed with body language and/or verbal cues that you were stupid, incompetent, not able to do anything right, or “will never learn!” Or, they may have had these unconscious beliefs about themselves, which radiated as unspoken and “normalised” truths within the family system.
Adult Patterns
You may:
- Experience an anxious disposition: feeling anxious about feeling anxious.
- Get lost in worst case scenarios.
- Feel emotionally unstable, go through a roller coaster of feelings quickly, and feel unable to find a sense of calm.
- Start projects and not follow through.
- Have chronic self-doubt as a parent.
- Struggle with shame and beliefs of worthlessness.
- Swing between feeling confident and secure, to lost and anxious.
- Feel strong self-blame and believe you are unworthy of love.
- Rely heavily on others because you “just can’t do it.
- Worry chronically about your child, how you’re “not doing enough” or “failing” them.
Parenting Patterns
You may:
- Sense a “preoccupied attachment” to your child. (Review this important concept in The Power of Showing Up, if necessary.)
- Not set limits or expectations, fearing that your child is going to be mad at you.
- Have difficulty giving your child space when requested, or allowing anyone else to help; constantly worry that your child needs you to rescue them.
- Feel the need for your child to be calm and regulated, so YOU can be calm and regulated.
- Worry about your child’s well being and obsess over illness or worst case scenarios.
Child Tendencies
(Caveat: these manifestations could be from an insecure ambivalent attachment, or other mental and physical health diagnoses.)
Your child may:
- Struggles with anxiety. Is fearful of uncertainty.
- Struggles to connect with friends.
- Doesn’t want to leave the house, and wants to be with their caregiver at all times.
- Struggles to self-regulate and has many “episodes” of emotional eruption a day.
- Struggles with focus; experiences a mind that is “constantly spinning.
Superpowers
Yes, an ambivalent or anxious attachment is considered insecure. And, that does not mean that you are “less than” than a person with a secure attachment. We will not have more moments of inner security if we are demonising the ambivalent attachment style. To support you to find grace and unconditional acceptance for your experience, let’s explore the strengths of an ambivalent attachment.
As a parent living with moments of ambivalence, your strengths may be:
- A HUGE heart! You care deeply and strongly.
- Constantly learning and trying to grow, evolve, and heal.
- When you can, you may thrive at tuning into your child’s feelings and needs.
- Parenting is your priority and you will make life changes necessary for your children to be in the centre.
- Usually caring and considerate of how your actions will impact your child, and are willing to take responsibility for your actions.
Reflection
- What resonates with me?
- Where do I see ambivalent tendencies in myself?
- What strengths from this style do I hold?